as she slept
by zorrie
Summary: jake's POV, drabble. how can he get bella to remember what she already knows, and put the peices together?


disclaimer: noooot mine / if i owned the rights, eclipse would've been j/b ALL the way. :sigh:

Jake's POV, new moon, trying to tell Bella he's a werewolf

I'd never thought it would come to this.

The position I was in could only be described as awkward—both literally and metaphorically. For one, perching in the tree adjacent Bella's window with my gangly frame was precarious to say the least. The brisk wind ruffled the leaves, but it was my dangling legs that swayed the sapling. It might have been funny, at another time. But that time was farther away than I'd ever realized, slipping behind us all without so much as a warning.

No, I really shouldn't have been where I was. It was wrong.

But at the same time, I couldn't be anywhere else. That would have been worse.

Peering through her open window, I saw Bella's sleeping form tossing restlessly. Her chest was heaving, and even from my vantage point I could hear her lungs struggling to take in air. Short, shallow breaths came in sparse gasps, and I was worried she'd hyperventilate. I winced, feeling a throbbing, hollow ache at her pain. Unconsciously, I gripped the branch above me and squeezed tightly, only realizing it when I felt the pulverized wood crumbling through my fingers. Lost in her own dark reality, Bella continued to thrash in her sleep.

I knew that the purpose I'd had in mind, the reason I'd come—tonight was the wrong night for it.

I also knew that I wouldn't--couldn't--leave.

Forcefully, I pushed memories of yesterday from my mind. Every time I shut my eyes, I saw Bella's face behind my closed lids, the tears streaking silently down her beautiful face. I'd promised we'd always be friends, that I would never desert her.

And now I'd gone back on my word. I was just as bad as that bloodsucker who'd broke her. The anger that had coursed through me, hot and searing, _loathing_—when she'd defended them, not a hint of remorse, as if she'd just _accepted_ what they'd done. He'd _left_ her, disappeared after wrenching her heart out and shredding it, tearing chunks out and leaving her shattered in the woods. How could she not hate them?

Then, as if that weren't bad enough, she took it on herself, shouldering all the blame, convinced this was her fault. It twisted a knife in my gut, to see her so forlorn. I couldn't hold myself together; everything came crashing down around my ears. Strangely enough, I think the first thing that hit me was just how _small_ I was. I mean, I may be a lean 6'3" teenager, but nothing I do really matters that much in the scheme of things. What makes up my whole world is just an inch of the big picture. Barely.

I couldn't even keep myself in one piece until Bella left; I had to phase to keep from crying. The odds are always stacked against us all. I knew she still loved the bloodsucker with more devotion than he had a right to, but I also knew that being with me made Bella happy. If being with Bella made my heart do backflips, and I at least managed to make her smile, forget her hellish life for a while—what was so wrong about that?

Oh, yeah. The fact that I'm a werewolf tends to screw things up a little, doesn't it?

I just knew I had to apologize, to find some way around Sam's orders. At the very least, I just wanted Bella to know how much she means to me—that this separation wasn't my idea, that I hate it.

With my gaze riveted on her face, I suddenly noticed something was terribly wrong. Her breath hitched, and suddenly she went rigid, frozen. I felt my stomach seize up, and I grimaced, fighting the urge to puke. I'd never known, even before, just how bad a state she was in. That was when I heard her scream, a muffled, frightened shriek that rose in a driving crescendo. She never even woke.

I remembered Sam chewing me out when he realized my plan to continue my friendship with Bella. The memories he'd shown me, the images burned into my mind…the day he'd scarred Emily. I wondered, sick, if I had done something along the same lines—scarred her mentally.

It was so late that it was early, somewhere around one or two o clock in the morning. I was loathe to leave Bella, but I knew Billy would be furious if I wasn't home. He didn't even know I'd left, and I didn't feel like explaining.

Stealing one last glimpse of Bella's face, I jumped from my niche in the tree trunk and landed lightly on the balls of my feet. I'd come again tomorrow; everyone had to face down their demons, and maybe I'd feel better if Bella and I were finally on the same page. Maybe we could put the past away; but no, that was too much to hope for.

My mind in turmoil, I set myself in motion and ran home at what I considered a brisk pace. Of course, to any human I would have been flying at record shattering speed.

I began to work a plan, toying with the possible ways of getting Bella to realize…

But then it hit me.

The night, so long ago, at the beach.

Bella already knew the legends; she simply had to put two and two together.

Now, how did I get her to remember what she already knew?


End file.
